I almost threw in the towel today…
It was almost one year ago that Derek and I embarked on this journey. For those of you who don’t know our story, suffice it to say that we encountered an incredible evening at a Good Friday service of prayer, where God revealed a glimpse of His plan for us. We left that prayer time, on our way to an amazing Communion dinner, convinced that we had made a decision that would be pleasing to God; a decision that would prove to change our entire lives.
Indeed the decision to leave, to go to a place we did not know, did change our lives. The plan was clear– we would support raise throughout Illinois and Indiana while I went to class and Derek went to work every day. We would work really hard, and we would be back in Florida by January.
Funny how our plans don’t work out, eh? We had it calculated well, and thought our plan was foolproof… but it wasn’t. School and work quickly picked up, and although we still tried to support raise, our efforts were futile, and much of what needed to be done couldn’t for sheer lack of time or energy.
It’s been a funny trip along the way- difficult… hard… but, good. Back in September, while trying to support raise and go to school, we found out I was pregnant (it wasn’t exactly shared widely, so don’t be surprised if you didn’t know, not too many people did…). While that’s distracting in and of itself, since I had been through several miscarriages at that point, I was considered a “habitual,” and that required more doctor visits. In the end, I had another miscarriage and we had some grieving to do.
Aside from dealing with health problems (and there were several!), we struggled to reconnect and we grieved the changes of our lives. We slept in beds that weren’t (and aren’t) ours and graciously (and quite humbly) ate food that was provided by friends and family who have loved us and cared deeply for us. Our hearts have ached for the security and safety of what we once knew, missing our church family, friends and even our dog, Henry.
Through all of this we stayed strong. Don’t get me wrong, we wept when we needed to, and certainly grieved and mourned that which needed to be. But we remained resolute, completely set on the face that this is what God has called us to do, and never wavering.
I almost threw in the towel today… Derek stayed up all night because of an aching tooth that was throbbing every time he simply laid his head down. On top of feeling anxious about his tooth, I found myself getting angry at the situation. Just last week we found out that we needed to raise more money from our start up in order to maintain our health insurance (which is desperately needed since I frequently end up in the hospital!), and along with that we found out that we needed to cover our start up costs before we can actually begin the moving process. Derek needed a root canal and I was just plain mad. I was exhausted from traveling, from moving, from asking, from hurting, and from working. As I was sitting in the chair at the dentist, waiting for Derek to be relieved of pain, I found myself thinking about Orlando. About my old job, our old church and our old life. I began trying to figure out a way to get it all back, and I prayed desperately for God to hear me and answer! I almost threw in the towel today… but I didn’t!
I was reminded of the Israelites, after seeing God part the Red Sea for them, complaining about the mud on their shoes and crying about wanting to return to Egypt. Ohhhh, don’t get me wrong– this is hard, and if you let yourself, you’d find something new to complain about every day. Constantly I feel the temptation to “remind” God of what we’re dealing with, forgetting that He already knows because He’s leading us. We’ve had clouds of smoke and fire to follow, and yet all we can focus on is our own lack of comfort! We’re in the wilderness with the God who created it and knows it inside and out.
So tonight, or really this morning, my prayer will be that of Moses, as he led the Israelites through the wilderness. First, it is a prayer of forgiveness- forgive me for losing sight of the Great Love and the Mighty One who has called us, forgetting what He has done right in our midst. Second, it is a prayer for protection. Moses begged God to stay with the Israelites, not to leave as God had threatened: ”Do not let us take a step from this place without you going ahead of us; for if you do not go ahead of us how will others know that we are yours?”
If you’re in the wilderness, come walk with us.
Grace and Peace
